So it's 3:12 in the morning, and I can't sleep. Which means, of course, that I will sleep until well past noon tomorrow, which has become a horrid habit. My health is so screwed up right now and the thing is, I know the answers. I know how I should eat. I am seriously trying. I have been doing much better but my health is still out of whack, and it is frustrating. Without health insurance or money to even go to an endocrinologist to get my T4 levels checked (I have Hashimoto's thyroiditis), and being on my last refill of levothyroxine, I know what kind of bind I am in. This is one reason, despite not having any money, Dustin and I invested in the Vita-mix. I believe the things Dr. Robert Young explained in The pH Miracle - I know that the food we eat is toxic to our bodies and creates all disease. I know that negative thinking contributes to such as well; even more so (read Dr. Young's take on Acidic Emotions). I'm a psychotherapist (though one who only has 1-3 billable hours a week so far) and understand the importance of a healthy mental state. I am always talking about holistic health and how important it is to take care of our whole bodies, not just parts of it. This is one reason I'm not very fond of western medicine in general. It has failed me so many times, failed to diagnose problems I have suffered with for over 16 years; and even the levothyroxine has done nothing to eliminate my symptoms. All it has done is decreased my T4 levels. Whoopee.
I'm honestly trying to not feel sorry for myself. I am all about taking responsibility. I know my family and I were oblivious to the dangers of the typical American diet, even 20+ years ago when it was slightly better, but having to turn everything around and try to start a new lifestyle change (not just a diet) is HARD WORK. I certainly do not plan on giving up, but I have been at this off and on for the past 7 years and have seen only moderate changes. The little change isn't because what I have been doing doesn't work, but because it becomes so difficult for me to concentrate on everything (get exercise in, eat the right foods, deal with school/work/personal life stress, work on emotional stability, spirituality, etc.) that there have been too many times when I have had to slow down.
I am proud to say I have never completely given up hope. Even when I do not eat that well, I still am aware of what I eat and watch what I eat. The thing is, I'm not an overeater by any means. Both my husband and I have to be reminded to eat. And yes, yes I know that this can cause weight gain itself because the body may think it's in starvation mode. The thing is, with my body, even when I do eat more I still gain weight -- it doesn't seem to care how much or how little I am eating. So that leads me to WHAT I eat.
I still do better on that, even during my off times, than I used to. Having once been hypnotized to like vegetables I found some success in that. It came mostly with salads and little else, but hey -- I used to never touch a salad, period. That's progress, if even a little, right?
But anyway, back to the Wah Fest. Please excuse me if I am coming across as a whiner, but sometimes everything just gets so overwhelming that I need to let it out in some form or another. I definitely talk to my husband, and he is very much empathetic as he has suffered with his own severe health issues in the past, but he will never know the pain that comes from looking in the mirror and seeing all your hard work not pay off. I wish I could say that it has paid off on the inside, but that would be a lie, too - because suddenly I am worse than I have ever been. I have a lot of symptoms, but if I could only lose the chronic fatigue I feel I could at least do something more about the rest.
Yeah, I know. Energy begets energy. I'm trying. I want to see a colon hydrotherapist again, as that has helped in the past, but guess what? No money. I would love to regularly use a Far-Infrared spa for sweat therapy, but again, no money. Heck, even buying all the vegetables and fruits that we have been buying lately costs so much more than the processed junk food that lines the aisles at the grocery store. Popping in a nutrition-less frozen meal is so much easier and cheaper than finding recipes that are palatable, delicious, and only incorporate whole foods, preferably green, leafy, alkaline vegetables.
So, here I am, telling myself over and over again to not feel sorry for myself. Yeah, things are tough, but I know I am still blessed beyond measure. The Lord has made sure of that. He has helped Dustin and I to find one another, and to have that love and support is something I yearned for and begged Him for for years. I have that. I have a roof over my head. I have a new career that will eventually take off. I have two legs and two arms and even if I'm not losing weight or gaining energy like I want, I have the ability to move and to keep trying. Most of all, I have agency to make the choices that I need to make in order to continue reaching for my goals, including my health goals. It doesn't matter how long it takes as long as I keep trying and do not give up.
Maybe I don't have the salary I used to make in my previous career. Maybe I don't have health insurance or good health, for that matter. Maybe I wish I had a full-time job doing what I love -- helping others help themselves. But I do have the opportunity to push myself to attain those goals, and that is definitely the best gift I could ever have.
Health problems can be so defeating. I've been struggling myself the past month and it's hard. (((((Hugs)))) and hang in there!
ReplyDeleteProgress is progress is progress, no matter how slow it may feel.
You are definitely not alone, Michelle. I've been struggling with my weight for years. I never had to worry about it until I reached age 30 and then it kind of all went down hill from there.
ReplyDeleteI have been on a roller coaster ride for so long now. In 2007 I went on the Jenny Craig diet and lost 50 lbs. Everyone told me that I looked malnutrition and it was extreme. Me, myself didn't think that at all. I actually felt good about myself but now going back through those photos I can totally see the hollowness in my face and I was underweight.
I ended up gaining it all back along with about 20 more pounds to go on top of it. Depressing, and I began to really not like myself. Funny how that works - when we don't feel or think we look good on the outside how it effects our emotions and lack there of on the outside. It's quite sad, actually. I wish and want to feel 'good' about myself - irregardless of my weight and how I view my body image. It's something that I can't shake though.
In 2008 I went on the Hcg injection diet. That was a huge success for me but also, as Jenny Craig - short lived. I lost 65 lbs, back in my size 5/7 jeans. I went through my closet and got rid of anything and everything that was size 14 and larger. I knew that this time I would keep it off. I was wrong. It stayed off a little bit longer than after the Jenny Craig experience but once again, gained it all back and now I'm at my all time heaviest since giving birth to my last child 23 years ago.
The thing is, I know I'm capable of losing it - it's the keeping it off is where it gets me. My eating lifestyles are obviously not where they need to be.
I know that I don't get enough exercise right now, I think the only exercise that I receive is cleaning my home and that really doesn't burn many calories. I have a Gold's Membership. Do I use it? No, only to go tanning. How pathetic is that?
I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. You even have health issues that cause your weight to be the way it is. What's my excuse? I don't really have one. :(